I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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