You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
