And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
