I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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