I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
