I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
