She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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