Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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