I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes