Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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