You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
