I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
