Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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