i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
