The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
