How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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