Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!