This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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