Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Everclear isn't food dammit
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
These tits shall not be calmed
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
