We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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