I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I didn't notice because vodka
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
