Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
