She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
