she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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