booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
