Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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