Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
