Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize