can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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