used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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