Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
