my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
