It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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