Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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