her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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