I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
