What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
