My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize