I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
