haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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