I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
