i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
