if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
