Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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