Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Is Oprah even human
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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