i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
