oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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