Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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