Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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