On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
