Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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