hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
