Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
