I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
