Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
