My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
